Anteros: the forgotten brother of love
When Eros was an infant, his mother, Aphrodite grew troubled…
This weekend I am at St Giles House, Dorset, with the Realisation Festival, of which I am a director. The beautiful country house is the home of the Earls of Shaftesbury, one of the which, the 7th Earl, Anthony Ashley-Cooper, is remembered as a remarkable Victorian social reformer.
When he died, it is said that half of London came onto the streets to pay their respects as his body was carried to Westminster Abbey. Shaftesbury Avenue is named after him, as is the Shaftesbury Memorial Fountain, Piccadilly Circus.
The fountain is mistakenly known as “Eros”, after the presumed figure atop the fountain. Only, the artist, Alfred Gilbert, actually placed there the god, Anteros. A replica of Anteros is at St Giles House, pictured above. Here is the god’s oft-forgotten story.
Eros was born to Aphrodite and at first all seemed well. But then, Aphrodite noticed something that disturbed her. The child was not growing. His wings stayed as buds. His chubby flesh failed to develop muscles. It was as if he was possessed by a spirit that clung to infancy, refusing to step into maturity.
Anxious Aphrodite consulted her sister, the wise Themis. The goddess of good counsel, whose name translates literally as ‘what works’, advised her sister to have another child, this time by Ares, the brave god of war. Themis instructed that the second infant be called Anteros — he would be “equal to Eros”.
Aphrodite did as her sister said, and it worked. The two sons were rivals. They joshed and scrapped and fought, yet loved one another, too, and, as long as they played side by side, Eros developed normally. Yet, when they were apart, Aphrodite noticed that Eros would regress.
The story was celebrate in ancient Athens; on the north side of the Acropolis, an altar was erected to the pair. Plato references Anteros in his dialogue on love, Phaedrus. What Anteros brings is difficulty, a romantic equivalent to sibling rivalry which, like the tensions in an adult relationship, can be the making of people, when sensitively handled.
Anteros brings the courage required to resist the oceanic fantasy of disappearing into another’s arms, and instead embarks on the difficult process of making a life out of love. What he stands for is the healthy spiritedness that lies behind lovers’ tiffs and rows which, if they can be reflected on and learnt from, make for maturity. The 16th-century proverb conveys this Anterotic dynamic: ‘The quarrel of lovers is the renewal of love’. If Eros is the god of love who shoots people with his arrows and turns them mad with desire, Anteros is the god of love who opposes the madness with a mix of his aunt’s pragmatism and his father’s strength
But the myth tells us more. Anteros’ aunt Themis was also known for her skill in bringing conflicting energies into a healing alignment. Today, her successors are couples’ therapists: they tend to be more interested in how troubled lovers handle the emotions unleashed by their rows, rather than how to avoid rows in the first place. The anger and hate, fear and vulnerability of difficult relationships can be an opportunity. This is not your lost half, the therapist implies, but it is someone with whom you might find more integration and wholeness for yourself. Life is not perfected through love, as the romantic fantasy implies, but through love you can find more of life. Conversely, an inability to handle conflict is a good predictor of divorce.
Anteros helped his brother only while they played together. When they were apart, Eros regressed. This conveys the value of commitment in relationships, a commitment that provides a container for the ups and downs, allowing trouble to be worked through. There is no static ‘happily ever after’, but a continuing need to play together. A good relationship comes from the future. Love is more made than found.
This is an updated version of the story I originally wrote in an essay published by Aeon.
JULY DATES FOR YOUR DIARY!
Inside the Mind of William Blake, 5th July, Bradford Literary Festival, Bradford
Art & the Sacred Today 7th July, a conversation with Rupert Sheldrake, The Garrison Chapel, London
Wisdom and Psyche, 10th July, I’m speaking at this day conference, Blackfriars, Oxford
The Idler Festival, 11th–12th July, Fenton House, London, I will be talking therapy and, with Robert Rowland Smith, offering a Philosophy Slam!
A rich insight
Thank you Mark, really insightful.